Help me understand tech terms

I am starting a web-based business but I don't know enough about databases, programming, etc. to even discuss the generalities. I need someone that I can chat with about technical issues, such as which is the best database to use (MySQL, MS SQL, etc and why), how to interface with the database and program it, what does Joomla mean, what is Ruby vs. Ruby on Rails...questions like that. Please be technically proficient in the areas of .Net, ASP, CSS, Joomla, Ruby/Ruby on Rails, System Admin, Java, AJAX, Javascript, PHP) as well as databases such as SQL, MS Access and others. I would like to use Yahoo IM as the primary means of communication and be able to chat with you when ever I have questions, so I would expect you to be online during most of the business hours of the United States. Please quote me your hourly rate and I will pay on 15 minute increments (example, if you bid an hourly rate at $20 per hour and I chat with you for 15 minutes, I will pay $5...if I chat with you for 20 minutes, I will pay $10. Note, the $20 per hour example is just an example that easily rounds to 15 minute increments. Please quote your actual hourly rate). I imagine the total time needed to answer my questions is less than 2 hours. Also, if your company does this type of work, this could lead to a contract to program our site.